Some Nights

I never know just how I will feel from one night to the next. My mood changes with the temperature, with the day that has passed, the day that is to come, with ever so slight alterations in my surroundings and in the attitudes of those that I spend my time with.


Some nights I lay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw


What will it be? A night of joy and laughter, soft music and popcorn, or a night of grinding teeth and glaring eyes staring blankly at a computer screen without taking anything in, waiting to snap at the first person to walk in the door. Will it be a night of tap tap tapping on the keyboard, or one of clicking away at the mouse incessantly, trying to get the picture just right, just the way that I imagined it in my mind, just the way that I saw it before it got compressed into 1s and 0s. Will I lie down and sleep, or will I twist and turn, first too hot and then too cold. Will the cat be an annoyance or a welcome distraction and cuddling partner?

Some nights I wish that these lips could be a castle
Some night I wish they'd just fall off

It speaks volumes to me as I ponder how I am going to be feeling tonight, what mood I am going to be in and how it will affect those around me, from my loving boyfriend to my housemate to my pets. Because while the good nights are wonderfully, blissfully good, I know that the bad nights are horrifying and I live in a constant fear that one of these days the bad night will end and I will not know how I got to where I am, alone and bitter.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost...

The ghost that I see is all too familiar - a ghost of my past. A ghost of a better me, of the person that I wish I could be, especially when compared to the person that I have become. A person with hopes and dreams that cannot be quelched by reality, when I stand here wondering what became of those dreams. I can remember a time when I knew what I wanted in life, when I knew what would make me happy. Today, I look at myself and do not know where to start. Each day goes on relentlessly, and I am left in a zombie-like state, living out day to day without any feeling or meaning and not knowing when it will end.

Oh Lord I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh..
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?

Most nights, I don't know anymore.