New Year, New Me!

With New Years resolutions flying around like wildfire, I thought that I would take this opportunity to let you know my resolutions for the year ahead.

Over the years I have had the tendency to make and break resolutions without a bat of the eyelid, but I am hoping that this year will be better, and there is one very simple reason for that. I am not going to be specific. I am not going to say that I am going to lose 10kg, or even 5kg, because as soon as I put on a gram I will decide that the resolution has been broken anyway, so might as well go nuts! And so, instead of giving myself specific goals to focus on, I am going to focus my attention on areas in my life that could do with improvement. Which areas would those be in particular?

Family
Health
Photography
Writing

During 2012, I found myself feeling very disconnected from my FAMILY. I have found that it is all too easy to become out of touch with even those who mean the most to you when you are half a country away. Grahamstown in particular is so out of the way that it is not as easy as just hopping on a plane to be with those that you love. This meant that 2012 was a year of huge regrets when it comes to my family. I missed the birth of beautiful Zach, and have yet to meet him. I missed seeing my American cousins when they were visiting and my American aunt on both occasions that she came down. I missed birthdays and anniversaries, happiness and sadness. But my biggest regret of 2012 is that I didn't get to say goodbye to my Biba, my grandfather, who has always meant so much to me. The loss of my mother's parents hit hard while I was in Korea, but the loss of Biba hit harder because I was so close, but still couldn't be with my family when it meant the most. 2013 is going to be different. I am determined to spend more time with my family over the coming year, starting with a trip up to Cape Town as soon as I can manage it (potentially March).

Weight has always been a problem for me. I bounce up and down like you wouldn't believe. I lose weight in a heartbeat and put it back on just as quickly. When I was in Korea, I lost 10kg in the period of just over a month. Upon my return, I put it back on almost as quickly. I don't want my new years resolution to revolve around weight loss or gain. Instead, I want to focus on HEALTH during 2013. In my mind, being healthy is far more important than being thin, and while I don't think that the two go hand-in-hand (being healthy for me has never meant being skinny), I do hope that improving my health will improve my weight. And physical health is not all that I am aiming for here either. I am also hoping to get over the fears that inhibit my mental health - my phobias of spiders and needles - so that I can leave a fuller, more generally healthy life and lifestyle without fear. My phobia of needles significantly affects my health in particular, as I need to go for regular blood tests and the fear is preventing me from keeping my health in check.

2012 was a great year for my PHOTOGRAPHY. I started getting regular clients and I set myself up with a studio. I realised that each month, I was getting at least one paid gig, and I even got a booking for October 2013 a year in advance. My main aim for 2013 is to keep it up and get it better and busier! More clients! I want to be able to get a steady income from my photography, and I want gear gear gear. One of the aims is going to be a 52 week project (one a day for a 365 project ended up being a bit too much for me to handle after all, so hopefully one a week will be manageable) and another will be to start putting away some money each month  to put towards new gear.

In 2011, I completed the mammoth task of finishing NaNoWriMo! It was a great feeling typing the last of the 50 000 words and knowing that I had accomplished what I had set out to do in one short month. 2012 was not a year for WRITING. I slacked on my blogs, and writing took a sidestep to make space for photography and work. This is going to be the year for writing once again. I have an idea for a story, and I really want to make it work. I do, in fact, have about 10 uncompleted ideas lined up and ready for me to work on, but I am both a procrastinator and easily distracted, which does not make for successful writing. I need to focus my time on these projects to make sure that they get done and get that sense of accomplishment back.

So bring on 2013, the year of FOCUS!!

Some Nights

I never know just how I will feel from one night to the next. My mood changes with the temperature, with the day that has passed, the day that is to come, with ever so slight alterations in my surroundings and in the attitudes of those that I spend my time with.


Some nights I lay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw


What will it be? A night of joy and laughter, soft music and popcorn, or a night of grinding teeth and glaring eyes staring blankly at a computer screen without taking anything in, waiting to snap at the first person to walk in the door. Will it be a night of tap tap tapping on the keyboard, or one of clicking away at the mouse incessantly, trying to get the picture just right, just the way that I imagined it in my mind, just the way that I saw it before it got compressed into 1s and 0s. Will I lie down and sleep, or will I twist and turn, first too hot and then too cold. Will the cat be an annoyance or a welcome distraction and cuddling partner?

Some nights I wish that these lips could be a castle
Some night I wish they'd just fall off

It speaks volumes to me as I ponder how I am going to be feeling tonight, what mood I am going to be in and how it will affect those around me, from my loving boyfriend to my housemate to my pets. Because while the good nights are wonderfully, blissfully good, I know that the bad nights are horrifying and I live in a constant fear that one of these days the bad night will end and I will not know how I got to where I am, alone and bitter.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost...

The ghost that I see is all too familiar - a ghost of my past. A ghost of a better me, of the person that I wish I could be, especially when compared to the person that I have become. A person with hopes and dreams that cannot be quelched by reality, when I stand here wondering what became of those dreams. I can remember a time when I knew what I wanted in life, when I knew what would make me happy. Today, I look at myself and do not know where to start. Each day goes on relentlessly, and I am left in a zombie-like state, living out day to day without any feeling or meaning and not knowing when it will end.

Oh Lord I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh..
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?

Most nights, I don't know anymore.