Self=image

Self-image is not an easy topic for me to discuss, but it is one that I have been faced with a lot recently. I have been bombarded with news articles about it and faced with it whenever I look in the mirror.

I have always had weight problems. At first, when I was young, I was significantly underweight. I was accused by classmates and teachers of being anorexic, and my parents seemed to feel the same way to some extent. I had no appetite, and the small amount of food that I did eat they tended to encourage. Nevermind the fact that it was terribly bad for me, as long as I was eating, it was fine.

Then, when I hit my teenage years and my appetite started to grow along with my figure, at first it was a relief. The change happened to come at the same time as a change in school, and the feeling was that the weight-gain came from somewhere in between happiness at my new surroundings and just growing up in general. My metabolism was changing, and at first it was seen as a good thing. A great thing in fact! I remember bragging to my sister that I had finally put on weight, and she didn't believe me! And putting on weight was something to brag about at that stage. It meant that I was getting healthy. It meant, in my mind, no more mocking and no more accusations.

What I didn't realise at that point was that the weight gain was not all going to be good. While eating whatever I wanted was fine when I was eating hardly anything at all, the weight gain meant that eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted should have been off the cards. And yet, I had grown so used to eating whatever I pleased that dieting was not something that formed a part of my vocabulary. I had grown used to eating meals that were not necessarily good for me, and succumbing to any cravings that I had. I would not let my body hold me back from what I wanted, under the impression that I would rather be over-weight and happy than under-weight and unhappy.

And I think this is where the biggest problem came in. I had started associating my weight with my emotions. The times in my life when I had been at my lowest weight were also the times when I was at my lowest emotionally. I wanted to avoid that at all costs, and food became a means of reaching this end.

It is now many years later, and my weight is a rollercoaster. I have hypo-thyroidism, which does not help (and nor does my phobia of needles for getting my thyroid checked regularly), but my diet is still all over the place. I am a stress-eater, and I consider my job to be stressful. I am not a smoker, I am not a huge coffee drinker, and this means that when I stress, I use food to cope, and I eat badly.

I look in the mirror and I often wonder how I got to be this way. I try to lose weight, but as soon as an obstacle comes along, I tend to falter in its path. I think part of the problem is that I have a low self-image. While Grant can look at me and say that I am sexy, I look at myself and do not feel it. And I don't think that is something that is going to be shed with weight-loss. When I was overseas and had lost over 10kg in weight over a matter  of months, I still felt over-weight, I still felt like it was not good enough. And when you have that mindset, no amount of weight is ever going to be good enough. At that point,  you have to take a deeper look at yourself and wonder whether your weight-loss or -gain is the real aim, or is there something else about yourself that needs to change - whether it be  your attitude, your lifestyle or your way of coping with things.

To me, I think that I could do with a change in all aspects. I have a very negative way of looking at the world, I live a lazy lifestyle and I do not cope with stress well (screaming and eating being only two of the signs that I am having a bad day) and those are things that are not going to fix themselves with weight-loss. Those are things that may lead to me being happier as a person and happier with myself, and I think that is a good start on the way to having both a healthy body and a healthy mind.

Religious Issues

My friend, Amy, wrote a blogpost this morning that struck a chord. She wrote a post about how much it bugs her when, in times of difficulty, people respond by offering to pray for her. As an atheist, she finds this borderline offensive. But I am not going to put words in her mouth. If you would like to hear what Amy has to say on the matter, you are welcome to read the post itself.

What I am more interested in talking about is the chord that religion has struck with me lately. It comes in the form of a client. Now, I know that legally and ethically I cannot talk about our clients, but this is less about his problems and more about an attitude that I find highly annoying in certain religious people in general. Back in the days when Gina and I were in high school, there was a boy that Gina liked and, to avoid awkwardness while talking about him and, well, because he had many, we ended up calling him Issues. I would like to refer to this client in the same way. He will henceforth be known as Issues.

Issues had a problem with an invoice that he was sent this month. After two or three emails explaining the situation to him, I received an email back where he suddenly announced that he was a deeper meaning Christian. What he meant by that is that he is not someone who goes to Church often, but someone who believes in God and lives their life according to God's word. Which is just great for him! He is welcome to do that and I am very happy that he has found something meaningful in his life! But what does that have to do with the matter at hand?

I ignored the religious aspect and continued as I had been going, attempting to explain to him the situation and hoping that he would understand logic. His next email explained that he is only accountable to the Lord, his saviour, Jesus Christ. Actually, Issues, no. You are also accountable to the law. But no matter. I continued once again to try and bring the conversation back to the matter at hand, his invoice. I tried to explain that this had nothing to do with who he is accountable to in the long run, but that he is also responsible for his actions now.

Alas, his next email explained that he only serves God and that only God could vindicate him when the time was right. By this point, I was furious and frustrated that no matter how simply I explained the situation, he always reverted back to God and ignored anything that I had said as though it made no difference to his life because he was religious. He acted as though, by being religious, he was completely superior to anyone else and no mortal problems could affect him. Pay a bill? Pfft! God will see me  through! God will pay it for me, or God will deal with the consequences of my own actions.

All this time, he kept repeating that I had to respect his choices in lifestyle and religion. Which I accept. I do respect peoples choices. But that does not mean that they can get off scott-free. People need to accept that their choices have consequences. And that life choices play no part in business. That you choose to follow a religion does not influence the way that your ISP will treat you. You do not deserve better or worse treatment than anyone else. Your choices (aside from perhaps choices in packages) should not affect your invoice. One cannot live their life however they like without consequences and cannot get away with not paying for services that they have requested and that we have paid for on our part.

As a company, we implement some rules (like clients having to pay by the 10th of the month), but we also have rules implemented on us (like domains being automatically renewed) that we need to come to terms with and pass on to the clients. Do you see us complaining about our God-given rights? No. Because God-given rights do not come into it. Rights that the law gives us come into it. Rights that the constitution gives us. And if our services were unconstitutional, if they were unequal or unfair, then I can start to understand. But this is a case where it has nothing to do with bias due to religion or belief. God does not come into it at all.

It is business, plain and simple. And the sooner some people can understand that, the easier life will be.

/Rant.