New Year, New Me!

With New Years resolutions flying around like wildfire, I thought that I would take this opportunity to let you know my resolutions for the year ahead.

Over the years I have had the tendency to make and break resolutions without a bat of the eyelid, but I am hoping that this year will be better, and there is one very simple reason for that. I am not going to be specific. I am not going to say that I am going to lose 10kg, or even 5kg, because as soon as I put on a gram I will decide that the resolution has been broken anyway, so might as well go nuts! And so, instead of giving myself specific goals to focus on, I am going to focus my attention on areas in my life that could do with improvement. Which areas would those be in particular?

Family
Health
Photography
Writing

During 2012, I found myself feeling very disconnected from my FAMILY. I have found that it is all too easy to become out of touch with even those who mean the most to you when you are half a country away. Grahamstown in particular is so out of the way that it is not as easy as just hopping on a plane to be with those that you love. This meant that 2012 was a year of huge regrets when it comes to my family. I missed the birth of beautiful Zach, and have yet to meet him. I missed seeing my American cousins when they were visiting and my American aunt on both occasions that she came down. I missed birthdays and anniversaries, happiness and sadness. But my biggest regret of 2012 is that I didn't get to say goodbye to my Biba, my grandfather, who has always meant so much to me. The loss of my mother's parents hit hard while I was in Korea, but the loss of Biba hit harder because I was so close, but still couldn't be with my family when it meant the most. 2013 is going to be different. I am determined to spend more time with my family over the coming year, starting with a trip up to Cape Town as soon as I can manage it (potentially March).

Weight has always been a problem for me. I bounce up and down like you wouldn't believe. I lose weight in a heartbeat and put it back on just as quickly. When I was in Korea, I lost 10kg in the period of just over a month. Upon my return, I put it back on almost as quickly. I don't want my new years resolution to revolve around weight loss or gain. Instead, I want to focus on HEALTH during 2013. In my mind, being healthy is far more important than being thin, and while I don't think that the two go hand-in-hand (being healthy for me has never meant being skinny), I do hope that improving my health will improve my weight. And physical health is not all that I am aiming for here either. I am also hoping to get over the fears that inhibit my mental health - my phobias of spiders and needles - so that I can leave a fuller, more generally healthy life and lifestyle without fear. My phobia of needles significantly affects my health in particular, as I need to go for regular blood tests and the fear is preventing me from keeping my health in check.

2012 was a great year for my PHOTOGRAPHY. I started getting regular clients and I set myself up with a studio. I realised that each month, I was getting at least one paid gig, and I even got a booking for October 2013 a year in advance. My main aim for 2013 is to keep it up and get it better and busier! More clients! I want to be able to get a steady income from my photography, and I want gear gear gear. One of the aims is going to be a 52 week project (one a day for a 365 project ended up being a bit too much for me to handle after all, so hopefully one a week will be manageable) and another will be to start putting away some money each month  to put towards new gear.

In 2011, I completed the mammoth task of finishing NaNoWriMo! It was a great feeling typing the last of the 50 000 words and knowing that I had accomplished what I had set out to do in one short month. 2012 was not a year for WRITING. I slacked on my blogs, and writing took a sidestep to make space for photography and work. This is going to be the year for writing once again. I have an idea for a story, and I really want to make it work. I do, in fact, have about 10 uncompleted ideas lined up and ready for me to work on, but I am both a procrastinator and easily distracted, which does not make for successful writing. I need to focus my time on these projects to make sure that they get done and get that sense of accomplishment back.

So bring on 2013, the year of FOCUS!!

November: Part 2

This is part two of my travels throughout the month of November. Part one can be found here.

The view of the Monument coming back into Grahamstown.

After the weekend away, coming back down to earth and back to little old Grahamstown was a bit of a shock to the system, but we managed it without a hitch, spending Sunday afternoon driving back and Sunday evening celebrating Grant’s birthday with the rest of our friends at the Rat and Parrot. We also had Monday to recuperate, having intended originally to spend an extra day in George before 1time’s closure ruined our plans. But, I will admit, I was grateful for the day spent relaxing at home rather than coming straight from travelling to returning to work. The day off was spent truly relaxing – staying in PJs and watching series, taking advantage of Tommy’s first good day and just generally arbing about.

Back to work on Tuesday for work as normal, but thankfully the rest of the week did not revolve around just work work work and no play. I got to take my camera out again on Wednesday when Kim asked me to come to the paddocks and take photos of her horse, Lightning. I have never been very comfortable around horses, having never done riding or anything along those lines. So I was a little nervous around him, but not enough to make him act up. I was surprised to find how soft and velvety he was and had a lot of fun trying to capture his friendly, excitable side. He is still young and inexperienced and really not used to being told to run, which meant that he got a bit uneasy and nervous, and we ended up having to cut the shoot short to calm him down. I had fun nonetheless and the photos that I got out of it can be found on my photography blog.

The rest of the week passed by in an uneventful fashion and Friday came quickly, which is always a relief. On Friday evening we went and picked Kath up and kidnapped her for a night of movies, popcorn and soju. We watched Brave (I finally got around to it) and made up a drinking game whereby we had to take a shot whenever a character said “Och”. After Brave came Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter which was fairly entertaining, though none of us made it all the way through it and we stopped the movie with half an hour to go. Not because it was bad, but because we were all ready to pass out. Kath and I managed to outlast Grant, which we both thought was impressive, and it was to bed with us where Kath and I stayed up chatting abit before passing out.

I was awoken at 5am by Kath, being the light sleeper that I am, and almost got up the gall to go and capture some scenes during the golden hour (I really do understand why it is called that now), but even being awake, I was too tired to bother leaving the house. Instead, I grabbed my laptop and started doing some photo editing. I was joined by Kath and her kindle before too long, and then it was time to drop Kath at home and start getting ready for the day ahead.

The day ahead on Saturday involved a trip to PE with Vicky. I needed to go and see my dad, who was bringing down some gifts that my Mom had found me overseas. For Vicky, it was a day of trying to find a harness for her kite so that she could take it out for some kite surfing. Unfortunately, we found that PE is a pretty useless place for finding kite surfing equipment, and after spending a few hours searching, we gave up and had lunch before heading to the race track to meet dad whose race was supposed to be at 3pm. Only to find that he wasn’t there. It turns out that he had given me the wrong time, and had gone back to his hotel to fetch supplies. We waited for most of an hour before he finally arrived, and it was a quick hug and leave as I had a session with Debbie planned for 6pm and, with the road still not fixed, the trip back was going to take longer than usual.

We managed to get back home by 5pm, giving me one hour to sort out the studio and get the house into some semblance of order before going to pick up Debbie and Ben. The plan was for Debbie to have a quick photo session and then for them to stay for some dinner and games thereafter. Alas, the session was not as quick as we had expected, but it was a lot more fun. Debbie came fully prepared with three outfits and was in a great mood which meant that she was very open to looking silly while I tried to find the best angles and positions, and while I got used to ordering her around. Puddims decided to join in the fun for a bit and became one of Debbie’s props, perfect considering her affinity for cats, and around an hour and a half later, Grant came in asking why we were taking so long. It turned out that in our absence, Grant had finished making dinner and had converted Ben into a sports-watching, beer-drinking guy. Debbie was thoroughly impressed. After dinner… there was more sport, because Grant is obsessed with both the soccer and the Formula One…. But after THAT there was Baulderdash. Mike and Vicky came over, and it made for a fun game of words, people, acronyms, movies and laws as Balderdash always does. With alcohol flowing and hubbly blowing, the evening turned into quite a lot of fun. Debbie's photographs can be found on my photography blog.

Sunday was almost as action packed as Grant, Jono and I prepared for the farewell braai that we would be hosting for Kath and Mangwe. We bought meat, we made salads, we cleaned the house so that it was spick and span, and we were ready for the hoards to arrive. And then we found out the Mangwe had gone to PE for the day and was likely to only arrive back late in the evening. And then Kim cancelled. And Shaun and Mel were both coming back from PE. And Danika and Tom were in Cape Town. And our hoards of people only ended up being three guests. Suddenly we found ourselves with mounds of potato salad, rolls and bread and hardly anyone to eat it. But that wasn’t going to get us down. We laughed, we chilled and we had a good time despite the small crowd.

And so, my busy few weeks came to an end. It was back to work as usual on Monday, and though even work itself was more exciting with launches and promotions popping up all over the place, it was still a small relief to find that little changes, even when your life seems to be spiralling uncontrollably (in a good way).

So, you can expect to see a ton of photos on my photography blog, and I am going to be trying my best to update my website as soon as possible (I haven’t added much since June), and in the meantime you can watch this space for more details on my exploits through what’s going on in December.

November: Part 1

If someone were to ask me to describe my last few weeks (go ahead… ASK!) the first word that comes to mind would be RIDICULOUS. And I do not mean that in a bad way. It has been ridiculously busy, but also ridiculously fun, exciting and simply breathtaking. So much so, that I do not have the breathe to explain it all in one post.

How about we start from the beginning? The first weekend of November was an incredibly busy one, but in the best way possible. The Saturday was spent taking photos for the Rhodes Chamber Choir (the people who have kept my photography going throughout the year) in my studio. I really enjoy spending time with people in my studio, so it made for a fun afternoon with lots of laughter. The photos were being taken for adverts that will be used to find new choir members next year, and they had a mugshot theme. This meant a lot of fun for the people involved, and a lot of post-production to make the white background seem a little more like a police station. You can check out the results on my photography blog.

Sunday saw more time spent with my camera as Lwando and his girlfriend, Nonkosazana, who was down from East London for the weekend. A new challenge faced me as I have never had a couple session in my studio, and found it a lot more difficult to co-ordinate while trying to stop the shadows from the lighting getting in the way. After half an hour in the studio, and around 40 photographs to work with, it was out into the sunshine as we made our way to the Botanical Gardens. It was the perfect day to walk around, and I took them to the spots that I am used to being the small bamboo jungle, the romantic pond and the river. From being hyper-aware of the camera in the beginning, the two started relaxing more, posing easier and just have fun. Have a look at the photos that came out of the session on my photography blog.

With the weekend out of the way, it was back to work for a slightly shorter week than normal. Grant’s dad and stepmom came down on Wednesday in preparation for our roadtrip on Thursday, and they came bearing many a gift. Having just moved into a new house in Johannesburg, they had a lot of extra bits and bobs that they didn’t need any more and decided to bring down to their incredibly grateful (step-)son and his girlfriend! This included an extra fridge, a gas braai and a tortoise named Tommy, Grant’s childhood pet.

The new house in Johannesburg doesn’t have a big garden (hardly any garden at all, in fact), so it was decided that Tommy would be far happier in our backyard nomming on the fruit as it falls (because we are entirely useless at picking it) and having a Puddims to play with. For the first few days, Tommy was entirely unimpressed with his new situation, hissing and spitting and threatening to chew on any hand that got near him (though for a toothless animal, his beak certainly does pack a punch). But he seems to have come around to it with the help of some tomatoes, apples, strawberries and cuttlefish. He is undergoing an entirely new diet regiment consisting of less veggies and fruit, because apparently tortoises struggle to process sugar, but more hay. Which he seems entirely unimpressed with. But we keep trying regardless!

The view of Robberg Beach in Plett.

The view of Knysna Quays.

Grant and I jetted off on Thursday, leaving Jono to look after the new addition to our family, and made our way to George for a long weekend away, stopping off in Plett for a night on the way to visit family friends and just rest considering that Grant and I only managed to leave Grahamstown close to 6pm. The Plett leg of the trip was very short and not particularly eventful, being only one night, but from there Sharon and I made our way to Knysna for the day on Friday while the boys carried on to George for their first day of golf. Knysna meant shopping and time spent by the seaside, which was greatly appreciated by me, and it was a lovely, relaxing day spent wandering from shop to shop, without buying too much to Grant’s relief.

Sunrise from one of our balconies. To the far right, you can see our lounge and further in our bedroom.

From Knysna, Sharon and I slowly made our way to the hotel in George and, oh my, what a hotel. The Hyatt Regency in George is absolutely stunning, and Grant and I were incredibly, incredibly lucky because Grant’s dad decided that, because it was Grant’s birthday weekend, we would get the bigger suite. Which just happened to be the presidential one!! The hostess seemed just as shocked as I was, but managed to keep her composure for long enough to hand me the key to the room and keep herself from gawking as Sharon and I made our way to the elevator. When I returned with Grant later in the evening though, we caught her whispering to a colleague and pointing in our direction, which we found to be hilarious rather than offensive. We were just as surprised as she was at the luxury we had been provided.

Sun setting over the Hyatt Regency.

The room itself was bigger than our entirely three bedroomed, two bathroomed house. With a lavish lounge, an office area (as part of the lounge), a dining room, a kitchen, two bathrooms, a giant bedroom and three balconies (all with amazing views, of course), we were set to never have to leave the room again. But then, there were others things to coax us out and convince us that we were still in the real world with shopping downstairs, an infinity pool, a spa and the Ernie Els designed Oubaai golf course all being part of the resort. Grant and Rob made full use of the golf course, while Sharon and I perused the shops and the local area, stopping into Heralds Bay for lunch on Saturday and sitting by the pool with the boys for the rest of the afternoon. The breakfast that the hotel provided was also phenomenal and out of this world, but unfortunately I only got to make use of the restaurant for the breakfasts. On Saturday evening I started feeling completely out of it, losing feeling in my arm and feeling disoriented and nauseous. After taking a few pills, I was out like a light and only managed to wake up for a few minutes to grab a bite of the divine grilled chicken that had been ordered from room service as part of the dinner. I got told the next morning how the meals that Grant, Rob and Sharon had ordered (also through room service) came on silver platters. The next morning, we were slow to wake and reluctant to leave, but were out of the hotel and back on the road by midday, stopping briefly to grab a token or two and some lunch on the way back to Grahamstown.

The view on the way back into Grahamstown

And thus ends part one of November thus far. Watch this space for part 2.

Goodbyes

If I had to name only one that I hate about Grahamstown, it would be an easy task. It is that people are always coming and going. Grahamstown is an inbetween town, and I have had more than my fair share of goodbyes. So, what I suppose it boils down to is hating to say goodbyes.

I had to say goodbye to all of my friends back in 2009 when I decided to leave Grahamstown, and was on the leaving end. That was ridiculously rough. I remember nights of celebrating the time that we had together, but more than anything I remember leaving the house on African Street, tears streaming down my face because I had just had to say goodbye to Grant, for what we expected to be the last time, and having to drive the 10 hours to Cape Town unable to listen to my radio because every song that came up reminded me of him.

Then I had to say goodbye to my parents and Cape Town friends as I left for Korea, though that was never intended to be a permanent move, and was not a goodbye for good. Still, the image of my mother waving goodbye to me through the crowds is not an easy one to forget.

Then, after a friend or two leaving during my time in Korea, I had to leave all of the friends that I had made behind, not knowing when I would see any of them again. The weekend before my departure, I shed more tears than I am willing to admit, but every drop was worth the friendships that had been forged. I still get a little teary eyed when I look at the last photo of Amy and I ever to be taken, a polaroid that I keep in my wallet. You can tell from both of our red eyes just how much it hurt to be saying goodbye.

And then, after all of these heartfelt goodbyes, I ended up back in little old Grahamstown where people are constantly coming and going, entering and leaving your life. And most of the time, for most of the people, it leaves no impact. But then, there are the people who make it worthwhile, who make you want to stay around, who can convince you to leave the comfort of your bed even if it is just for one drink, who are willing to stay in bed with you if you can't be convinced, who are happy to do nothing in each others company and who are always there with a kind word, even if you don't think that you need it. And tonight, I have had to say goodbye to one of those people.

So yes, I am more than a little emotional at the moment and a little resentful towards Grahamstown because without it, I wouldn't have had the chance to meet half of the awesome people that I have met in my life, but I would also be without the pain of having to say goodbye to those people while one or both of us forge our own ways in the world.

There are more goodbyes to come over the next few weeks, but I don't think any of them will pull at my heartstrings quite as much as having to say goodbye to Kath. We will always have Kenton!! 

Revisionist History

The theme for today - Go back in time to an event you think could have played out differently for you. Let alternate history have its moment: tell us what could, would or should have happened?

It was my first year, my first street party. I had one sip of my alchipop, one taste of Brutal Fruit after a week of heavy nights, and suddenly felt the world spinning at my feet. 

The music reverberates through my body and I can feel rather than hear every beat of it. People pass me in masses as I sway on the spot, unmoving. Laughter and screams of joy interrupt my thoughts, not letting them complete themselves and leaving me running in circles in my head without so much as blinking. I couldn't blink even if I wanted to, cannot control the weight that it my eyelids. I ignore the alarms going off in my brain, telling me that something is just not right and take another sip of the liquid poison. An unfamiliar hand slides along my waist and pulls me, and I follow unrelenting, unquestioning, leaning into it. And then there is nothing.

I awake, broken in every sense of the word, my throat begging for relief in the form of cool liquid, but nothing is enough to quench the thirst, nothing is enough to bring back the night that has been lost. This room is not my own.

Some Nights

I never know just how I will feel from one night to the next. My mood changes with the temperature, with the day that has passed, the day that is to come, with ever so slight alterations in my surroundings and in the attitudes of those that I spend my time with.


Some nights I lay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw


What will it be? A night of joy and laughter, soft music and popcorn, or a night of grinding teeth and glaring eyes staring blankly at a computer screen without taking anything in, waiting to snap at the first person to walk in the door. Will it be a night of tap tap tapping on the keyboard, or one of clicking away at the mouse incessantly, trying to get the picture just right, just the way that I imagined it in my mind, just the way that I saw it before it got compressed into 1s and 0s. Will I lie down and sleep, or will I twist and turn, first too hot and then too cold. Will the cat be an annoyance or a welcome distraction and cuddling partner?

Some nights I wish that these lips could be a castle
Some night I wish they'd just fall off

It speaks volumes to me as I ponder how I am going to be feeling tonight, what mood I am going to be in and how it will affect those around me, from my loving boyfriend to my housemate to my pets. Because while the good nights are wonderfully, blissfully good, I know that the bad nights are horrifying and I live in a constant fear that one of these days the bad night will end and I will not know how I got to where I am, alone and bitter.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost...

The ghost that I see is all too familiar - a ghost of my past. A ghost of a better me, of the person that I wish I could be, especially when compared to the person that I have become. A person with hopes and dreams that cannot be quelched by reality, when I stand here wondering what became of those dreams. I can remember a time when I knew what I wanted in life, when I knew what would make me happy. Today, I look at myself and do not know where to start. Each day goes on relentlessly, and I am left in a zombie-like state, living out day to day without any feeling or meaning and not knowing when it will end.

Oh Lord I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh..
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?

Most nights, I don't know anymore.

Daily Posting

It has been awhile since I last posted, but I am hoping that is about to change. See, after reading my friend Annetjie's blog for awhile, I realised that Annetjie has been getting ideas for blog posts not just from her wonderful mind, but with a little help.

And so, I have discovered a blog that I hope will give me a little inspiration. Or a lot. Depending on how it goes. I at least hope that it will inspire one post a week, starting with a post today. See below/above (not sure where the post will end up in the grand scheme of things) for my interpretation of today's theme.

In addition to using the Daily Post as an inspiration and idea-generator, I also hope to be using Worth1000's ideas a little more often on my blog. I do not often enter the contests, but I do occasionally find the subjects inspiring and, though I might not finish in the time-frame, hopefully it will mean that I can post the ideas that I have here. So this will become more of a space for creative writing, for musings and for introspection, or so I hope. 

I hope that anyone following will either join in or at least appreciate what I have to give!